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Are You Helping or Enabling Your Addicted Loved One?

And in the endless balancing act of loving someone who’s addicted, sometimes that’s the best we can do. Many years ago, not long after I discovered that my daughter was addicted to heroin, I joined a support group for families of people with substance use disorder. I was desperately looking for ways to rescue my daughter, to save her from the terrifying consequences of addiction. Substance abusers will often lie, cheat, steal, miss work and ruin relationships. Their life centers around the drugs and alcohol they need for “survival.” When you understand this, it can help you understand why the addict is the way they are. Substance abuse changes the structure and chemical balance in the brain.

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The best way to come out of your own “addictive behaviors,” such as enabling and people-pleasing, is to focus on your own life. If your life seems empty in any areas such as career, relationships or self-care, begin to rebuild your life by exploring the kinds of things that might fulfill you. Would you like to make a career change or go back to school? Perhaps you would like to develop different hobbies or activities that would help you meet new people.

How to lovingly detach from someone with substance use disorder

• When this happens, it can be hard to notice any problems or toxic behaviors.
• In other cases, you may simply feel that your involvement is doing more harm than good.
• He tells me I’m the reason he isn’t doing drugs and that I am the reason his head is above water.
• First, you could get so sucked in while helping that you gradually become addicted to him or a part of his abuse activities as well.

The relationships and the world around you will start to break, and you’ll cut yourself on the jagged pieces. That’s when you’ll know, from the deepest and purest part of you, that you just can’t live like this any more. Are you feeling exasperated and helpless about your family member’s addiction?

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• When our loved ones come face-to-face with the consequences of their actions, that moment of clarity can be a powerful motivator for change.
• You may come to a point in your life where you have to let go of an addict you love.
• Until that time comes, here are some tips for living with an addict as well as some hard truths you need to face.
• If your loved one displays the symptoms of a substance use disorder, your relationship is  likely affected by their substance misuse in multiple ways, including emotionally, physically, and financially.

It’s so heartbreaking to see your child go from a vibrant self loving person to someone I don’t recognize. My goal is to not enable her and yet be there when she actually needs me. And for a mom it’s incredibly hard to know the difference. Going back and forth from am I going to get that dreaded phone call or knock on the door saying she gone?

• Once you can really grasp the reality of this concept and live by it, your life will become much easier.
• Don’t forget to try the 13 tips I’ve mentioned and see how things become easy for you.
• This can help you feel more open about what you’re feeling and can clue them into what you might be working through and why.
• Postdoctoral psychology fellow Gina Gerardo, PhD, talks us through “love addiction” and how you can strengthen your relationship with love.

When it comes to substance use disorder, detachment may involve setting clear boundaries and ceasing to take responsibility for someone else’s behavior. Enabling an addict refers to behaviors or scenarios where you’re removing consequences from the behaviors of the addict. It can be as simple as lying for the person or covering for them. When you love an addict, you may constantly feel that loving an addict you’re on edge, or worried when that dreaded phone call is going to come.

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It means refusing to adapt or enable them and setting healthy boundaries around yourself that you refuse to cross. It’s an awareness that you cannot control someone else’s actions — you can only control how you react to them. It’s natural to hope that with the right combination of words and actions, you can convince your loved one to change. Or that if you save them enough times, they’ll learn how to save themselves. Our state-specific resource guides offer a comprehensive overview of drug and alcohol addiction treatment options available in your area. If you slip up on some of the commitments you make to yourself during this time, it’s okay, and you can continue moving forward without being too hard on yourself.

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If you decide to leave before things go that far, you’re justified in doing so. Getting the courage to leave someone with a substance use disorder is never easy, and it requires changing behaviors that you have engaged in for a long time. Before leaving someone struggling with addiction, you can try to get them to seek the help they need. Sometimes, stating your concerns and asking for them to get help can motivate a loved one to go to treatment.

It can often be easy to take a backseat to your mental health while trying to support someone you love struggling with substance use disorder. Addiction doesn’t just affect the person living with it. It can impact everyone in that person’s inner circle, including friends, family, and coworkers. We publish material that is researched, cited, edited and reviewed by licensed medical professionals. The information we provide is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.

Substance Use Treatment

Secondly, you could become depressed, desperate, or affected generally if he’s not responding to treatment the way you want him to or the way you imagined him to. So, make it a conscious to remain neutral when you’re in a relationship with an addict. If you’re around when they need to get alcohol, subtly try to talk them out of it. Try to redirect their minds to something else they love doing or eating. For example, they could love ice cream, pizza, or a calming technique for their recovery process you developed or was prescribed by a professional. It does not have to affect your relationship with them yet even though their behavior may get to you in a negative way.

That’s not the set up of how a relationship should be. You’re so important to him but he’s pushing you to the limit and not considering really the impact on you, much like a child. He needs a radical change and challenge, outside of you.